And it'll Never Be the Same.

2010-04-28T23:26:00.002+08:00

My heart is all pain.
I need to be myself.
I don't need you to tell me what to do.
Because you fucking don't deserve.
Don't you remember what I've said.
No more.

2009-11-04T02:29:00.000+08:00

you know what; surface thing is surface thing.

2009-09-22T00:21:00.001+08:00

GIVE UP

STOP WAITING

STUPID

2009-09-03T02:21:00.001+08:00

What the fuck has happened to life.

You irresponsible piece of shit.

Hatred. You dont even deserve

2009-08-26T22:41:00.000+08:00

Think of her;

its her birthday today.

Where have all the old days gone?

Erase my past; fucked up life.

2009-08-26T22:39:00.000+08:00

So what spend more time together?
Fucking useless; fucking pointless.
Nothing's gonna work out.

2009-08-20T14:36:00.000+08:00

Fuck; you know how lonely I am right now.
This isn't gonna work.
This isn't gonna work.
Why you wanna make me like you?
Fuck where is everyone.

2009-08-14T19:03:00.000+08:00

It's still pointless.
This isn't gonna work

2009-08-11T04:37:00.000+08:00

What should I do with you; my Leo darling?
I'm scared; frightened. Traumatized.
No one sees me; that way;
Really.
How am I going to adapt to this.
Struggling.

I HATE COPYCATS; LOSER

2009-07-28T14:22:00.000+08:00

2009-07-27T02:14:00.001+08:00

STOP CRYING; you useless piece of shit

2009-07-23T21:38:00.002+08:00

Alrdy gone; alrdy gone.

Don't bother trying.

Let it go.

2009-07-23T21:36:00.000+08:00

How can people with social phobia go to social house.

2009-07-22T20:57:00.003+08:00

Everything I say is blunt.

I should really learn.

shut up and seriously; learn.

And I love you.

I think I do.

Thats essentially wrong; shit.

And I think you know about it.

2009-07-18T03:13:00.002+08:00

Tired of all the shitty positiveness alright.

Libra ppl are rubbish too..

Alright everyone stay away.

I hate seeing you being high.

I hate seeing you being happy.

Envy is my greatest evil; you know

It's never fair;

2009-07-16T12:26:00.002+08:00

"Do you know in my whole family; no one smokes.

I'm the only one who smokes.

You know my house; every room 24 hours air-con.

No one smokes; I come home. I'm the only one; I'm like a fool.

I smoke in the air-con. I stay in my air-coned room; I smoke.

And no one says anything.

You know why?"

I shake head.

"Because they only want me to be at home.

I do whatever I want."

"I have a nice house; kind family members.

I come out; I have so many good friends."

Me - "That's because you are Aquarius; you are able to achieve all these.

You can have so many friends always around; just like E."

J went to E; "you are Aquarius also?"

E: "Hahaha yes,"

they come to me.

"That's why we can get along well with her"

HAHAHA. LOL

When I was 70% drunk;

E: "I'm here; I will take care of you okay."

J: "Do you want me to take care of you?"

I text E; "Takes one to know one; I wish I have a proper family."

Don't know if it applies. But you can't expect Aquarius ppl to take care of anyone.

Take it easy girl; learn from the game.

Life goes on.

2009-07-13T01:48:00.002+08:00

I'm not happy.

I'm cold.

Screwing myself again.

What a waste; everything.

Why you kick one out when the other one is overseas?

Awaken by the quarrels. Hate this place.

But I think I was right. That was so full of obvious shit.

So fat and ugly;

shameless.

Ugly and ugly; really matches lah.

Need to sleep; eyes very itchy now.

This song is very sad.

I'm very sad.

I need to get drunk;

fuck i didn't manage to get drunk tonight.

Everything is falling apart; nothing is easy.

Seriously tired of my life; everyone stay away.

If you were here;

civilians don't think that way.

2009-06-30T00:31:00.002+08:00

This is bad.

Stop wasting everyone's time, gal.

But if dont waste time; then do what?

How has life become like this...

2009-06-06T12:29:00.001+08:00

It doesn't matter anymore.

I miss the feeling.

but how true; it doesn't last.

No one is there.

2009-05-26T12:45:00.002+08:00

Life is an illusion.

I'm sad.

No denial.

When your angels shout is your heart strung out

When your angels cry does your spirit die

When your angels fall have you lost it all

2009-05-25T03:53:00.002+08:00

I wanna sleep; Im tired.

When you grow older.

When you calm down.

You start to realize things.

Maybe its time to stop being too idealistic.

Some things gotta turn you round.

When your angels shout; it your heart strung out

2009-05-17T05:34:00.001+08:00

Mentally/physically followed everyone home.

Until everyone is home.

LOST

2009-05-14T17:11:00.002+08:00

So is this my aeroplane?

Maybe I should just keep away;

I don't deserve anything.

Should try?

Feel like a loser.

)):

Ahh fuck I must wake up man.

2009-05-05T02:38:00.000+08:00

Learn the $2000 lesson.

Awakening.

Awaken.

2009-05-01T00:05:00.001+08:00

The world is full of LOSERS.

Fuck.

I don't allow you to do that to me.

2009-04-30T02:07:00.002+08:00

You know sometimes you know you are going to screw it all; helplessly

Bad luck day. ):

I don't want to listen to sensible Libra/Virgo ppl talk!

Heyy. Stop punishing yourself for others' faults.

You know they are that kind of ppl. You knew you were not going to make it; perfectly,

Just that you didn't know you were going to be this screwed.

LOL

James Lim, very hungry!

Shit; I'm going to survive better this year.

Absolutely; Nights!

2009-04-25T05:52:00.002+08:00

Hey fuck; I'm too self-centred? Maybe you are right; but im just angry. You only call when you need some website address; when i called back you rejected my call. What is this? I only talked abt books because i don't want to talk abt money. Fine; treat it as the pay back for the things that i had used at your house. I didnt want to scold you but yet; you used "fucking" to me. Theres no difference? Do you even understand English? Loser; I understand a Leo didnt want to be scolded so i respected you. fucking disappointing. When things happen you would not think of letting me know because to you; im not important. Birthdays whose are most important to you are them; not even your parents. Funny; you fucking traditional retard. Who are you to use vulgarities to me? I don't want talk abt this anymore; I don't want to explain anymore. Disappointed again and again; if im too self-centred; then you are too insensitive. Whatever; I don't want to think abt it anymore. Maybe i stand no right to blame you; for who i treat well would never want to treat me that well; who i take as the most trustworthy always turned out to be another illusion. Fine; I shall just live my own life, because you all think I don't care. But you all never think about why I look like I don't care. Fuck; crap. Joker.

2009-04-04T02:18:00.001+08:00

I know you won't reply.

As long as you are happy;

Nights.

2009-04-04T02:01:00.002+08:00

Stop feeling, anything.
Waited for, well, as long as it is..6 hours.
Im not lying to myself.
Im not,
I just don't know what I want. What do I hold on to.
You claim you want to play around, then play around, girl.
Why get so fucking stuck and sad?
You still know how to tell feelings?
Good theorist, poor practicer.
Who knows, being a player hurts millions of times more than, well, anyone else.
I say anyone else..okay?
Because I can't lie.
Useless;
Why is it so hard to break my heart into countless pieces and give everyone an equal share?
Just be fair.

Be nice to me, just a little bit nice to me as if tomorrow is the end of everything.

Will you?

2009-03-26T16:45:00.002+08:00

Grey zone.
The driver didn't charge me anything in the end. Which made me feel even worse.
Shit.
Who do you think you are? No one owes you anything.
Yeah. I know. My own problem.
I just so love to make myself feel miserable.
Fuck.
I'd go crazy at this rate.
You think I'm happy being like this?
Stop thinking.. please make me stop thinking. )):
Why today still have tomorrow.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))''''''''''''''''''''''''''''':

2009-01-25T21:11:00.002+08:00

I closed my eyes. Lean against the window. Listen to Jolin's addictive emo song.
I felt better.
I don't want to see the outside world.
69 dollars.
Why am I so useless. (And why you repeated this.
And why you shouted at me.
Do you know, do you know, the way you stared at me.
Made my heart turn cold.
Freezing.
Bloody lost inside but I was squeezing out a most sincere smile to try to make you happy.
Who's the one who said "I wont angry you one lo"
Who's the one who said "I will treat you as well as I can, Accompany you as much as I can."
Why you like to make me worry, make me sad, get me irritated.
Is it so nice to see me being miserable.
Maybe you are more childish, more irresponsible.
Why you love to hurt me.)
I was crying at my counter,
maybe not because of no sales. For that is predictable.
Its Chinese New Year.
I'm not Chinese, okay?
Why do I have to spend Chinese New Years days like the rest of you.
Gal, who do you think you are?
You also deserve to hate this world, hate anything anyone?

Okay, I am miserable. Save me.

I don't think you can.

Get me drunk then.

2009-01-25T20:46:00.002+08:00

Why tears can't stop dropping.
What's going on?
Why I can't get what I want?
I'm so fucking sad.
I can't cry.
I use cotton bud.
Oh I'm really so fucking sad.
How can you be so cruel?
You hurt me.
How can you forget about everything, don't care about everything.
How can you don't miss everything I've done for you.
You fucking irresponsible bastard.
Okay I'm more cruel. I have to be so.
My heart weighs too much;
I miss nobody.
It's so painfully dead.
Think I don't know you?
Everyone stop thinking too highly of youself, please.
Who are you?
Don't make me think,
don't make me care and pity for you.
I'm so fucking disgusted.
Who will be there for you forever?
Don't say I'm wrong.
I'm not wrong.
I'm just so fucking disappointed.
Everyone is selfish.
Who are you to say me.
I don't trust anyone.
I need to cry.
Get me drunk, please.
Get me out of this world.
What's the meaning of life???
I feel so empty.
Everything is pointless.
But everything is NOT okay.

2008-12-20T01:40:00.002+08:00

Have been thinking alot.
Alot alot.
If I forever don't make a decision, don't say anything, then I cannot put the blame on anyone if in the end anything happen.
Commit seriously, stop playing. Stop fooling around, gal. Like what S said, you know, one day, in the end, everyone's going to leave you. Leave you alone.
And no, that's definitely not what I want.
I want everyone to like me, I want to give my love to someone who deserves.
I didnt know I still can like someone this much. I know when I know, and I cannot deceive myself. I feel so overwhelmed. My heart weighs too much and I have to let my emotion take control. It hurts so much, when you really like someone. Much more than happiness. You are happy when you are with the person. But when you are alone, you think about life, everything, everything fleeting, you cant help feeling sad.
It's just that every little thing made the difference. Unexpected replies, unexpected actions. So long never feel so touched and so touched so frequently and unexpectedly. Amazing.
I will be brave. Im firm on my stand now, I need time and courage.
I only live this once, I shall live it to the fullest. No regrets. (:

2008-12-14T02:24:00.002+08:00

And maybe you don't even care.
):
Only playing with me?
And you'll never know.
I just keep things to myself.
And do stupid things to myself.
Who am I?

2008-12-06T21:57:00.004+08:00

Gal, enough?

Why do this to yourself again and again and again.

Everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay.

You got to grow up. No one will be there for you forever.

But why, at this moment.

As long as you are happy.

Happier than me.

(:

2008-12-05T11:35:00.000+08:00

One two three testing!

):

2008-11-23T17:16:00.002+08:00

Wooahhhhhwheeeeeeeeeee~!!! I slept from 0331am to 1541pm...shiok man. HAHAHA.
Mentally drained..
Tmr got to wake up early again. Oh wells..Hopefully tmr can get my branded frame and green contacts! (:

2008-11-20T09:22:00.000+08:00

I'm so exhausted..
Ppl queueing up to meet me..
I want to sleep sia..

2008-11-12T12:12:00.002+08:00

I feel horrible. ):

My jaw so swollen and I just lost all the pathetic confidence I'm left with. ):

Yesterday was so messy. Saw so many ppl. And I was so blur. Oops..

I sat down there and sigh.
What can I do? What you want me to do?

Tell me, help me. Anyone?

Be cruel and heartless, gal. You can do it.
Be cruel.
Be cruel.
Be cruel.
Be cruel.
Be cruel.

Do terrible things, but always smile.

)):

2008-11-10T12:37:00.003+08:00

I pierced my tongue and...I went drinking until 3am.
Kai, really cannot do that ah?
Hmmm...no wonder I'm not recovering.
Due to the inflammation fever, I've been sleeping like a pig but don't think I'm getting anywhere better. ):
Emo song blasting whole day again..
I added back his number because after so long, when I open my call log, the number is still there. Or rather, numbers. Full set. Well..

I don't know, don't know. Don't ask me.
I don't know anything.
I don't know what I'm doing. Don't know what I want.
I'm just not happy. I'm so fucking lonely.
It's okay.
Be calm and carry on. Everything will be alright.
Hais.

Greed:	Very High
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very High
Lust:	High
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz (:

2008-11-04T16:24:00.001+08:00

LOUSY.
May I get drunk.
):

2008-11-02T20:06:00.004+08:00

Happy Birthday, Jerome W.

November 2nd. Let's commemmorate the death of my true heart, my true love.

I tried everything, gave away everything.

And nothing ever happened.

Sorry world, sorry guys.

I tried my best.

2008-11-01T23:13:00.002+08:00

And it has not yet ended.
Because I found another packet of tissue you bought for me that time.
Stupid tissue. So many packets.

I'm still sad.
Liar, you can't deceive yourself.
But it'll never be the same again.
My phone so light.
My heart so heavy.
Without all the memories.
I can't re-live my past. Though I don't want. Though everything's still in my mind. Freshly.
Fuck.
I want to scold myself useless again.
But you won't bother a shit anymore.
Maybe, I do love you as much as I hate you.
If I can, I'd take sulphuric acid from the lab.
And I'm so going to fucking screw up all Leo guys' life. That I going to meet.
Riche, I'm so sad. You know. But I can't do a thing. And I won't do anything anymore.

And it all went blank.
And it'll never be the same.

2008-10-31T19:13:00.001+08:00

New life. (:
Deleted 6000+ msgs today.
I will be who I am.

2008-10-29T10:55:00.002+08:00

Don't think you will read this.
Well, I don't reply because I have nothing to say.
I don't want to say even one word to you anymore.
And stop making me sad, okay?
STOP MAKING ME SAD.
STOP SCREWING UP MY DAY.

I have choices, but you decide EVERYTHING.
My fault, okay?
Everything my fault.
HAPPY?

You happy then can le. Be happier then me okay. You WILL be happier than me, without me.
You decide everything.
And everything will be alright.

Gal, don't cry.

2008-10-28T16:29:00.001+08:00

Hmmm..its been 4days. Can't believe today is only the 28th. Wow. This is very..happening. Well in general, my life IS very happening, as always. Because I need it to be. (:

Composed a few long msgs last night and today but all saved to draft. The usual me, I know. Afraid ppl say I think too much. On the other hand, I dare not to say out everything. Think certain things should be kept to oneself..but don't know what is not sensible to tell. Well. Hmmm...

Very true. Ppl treat me a bit nicer I'd be very touched. And what if later another very nice person come into my life? Well, have been thinking..how nice is very nice then? Like how TL treats WQ? But no one can guarantee anything. Ppl could kneel down and break promises. I don't know what and what not to trust anymore.

Feeling comfortable and happy now. But does that mean I'm taking things for granted? Taking things for granted. Ppl always say. I'm not putting in much effort? Hmmm..I cannot be like this. Self-centred and living in my own world. Well, shall do what I can and I feel what ought to be done. Stop being selfish stop stop.

Really think it takes time for ppl to accept me and my weird habits. But I make compromises secretly when I really care about person..well, I never say. Then I go grumble to my friends..well, is everyone like this? I cannot understand myself, my god.

Can't stop thinking..really got to treasure what I have now. According to Kirk's info..thats scary man.

Come to think about it, just realized I've become so numb. Confused about how to give in. Hmmm. Got to explore more.

Shall pack my room first. Have been lagging behind so much.

New start. Determination. (:

2008-10-25T08:21:00.001+08:00

2008-10-22T18:06:00.000+08:00

Slept at 330am and woke up at 930am. Couldnt sleep anymore.

Who is really happy?

For my image, I can only hide at home alone, blast my music, bury my face in my arms and hair, and cry like a kid.
Everything is okay.
Everything will be okay.
Everything is okay, really.
Really.

Yesterday boss came in the morning. And I still hadn't finished opening because I had been squatting down replying msgs and emoing. Yes, squat down reply msg. Certain msgs. I need to squat down, hug myself. Its natural reaction. And when I stand up again I'd try to look as cool as possible.
I'm okay. (:

Met Adeline during the hair show. Same birth date, 29th Nov. She's 24. She is SO PRETTY. As usual, I didn't bother to ask phone number. If we were to meet again, we will meet again.
Point is, she is so so pretty. So slim and nice. She looks wounded and alone. Herself. Maybe as 29th Nov Sagittrius, we all stir up things too much. We thought we are independent, capable of handling everything but in the end, in the end, its always other people break our heart into countless pieces. So hard to mend that we stopped bothering. Try to make others happy. Try to please everyone. Forget and bury our feelings. We are tough and cool. We have strong shoulders. No one knows, we go home alone.

It's okay, it's okay. Everything is okay, my dear. (:
As long as you are happy.
Happier than me. (:

Well, I said too much. I lost control. I made mistakes. But I counldn't let go.
Yesterday night while waiting for the cab, looking at the deserted street, I didn't even think I'm crazy. I was just doing what I felt I need to do. I was telling myself, do what you want, but know what you are doing. Yupp. I knew what I was doing.
Well. I miss being with you.
180cm tall is so difficult to hug. I don't want. ):
We went so many place, in such short time. So efficient and happening to the extent that every place I need to go now, we had been there before. Everywhere there are memories and stories.
Only you respect me the way I want.
Only you speak Ang Moh to me all the time.
Only you still msg me after saying goodnight.
Only you remember the most trifling things I said.
Only you took cab every now and then just to make sure everything is on time.
Only you tried so hard.
There's alot more, but pardon me I can't mention it here.
I saw everything, remembered everything.

I'm too tired. I want to stop and get stuck but will you let me to?
I don't want to spend Christmas with random people again. ):

)':

2008-10-16T16:11:00.002+08:00

Have been reading his blog and smiling to myself.
Switched off my phone after receiving the msg at 0311am.
Nothing's impt anymore.
Know it's gone.
Played too hard.
But well, still think there's no right or wrong.
I can't give in is I can't give in. I'm just too young.
But gal, learn your lesson. Let him go. Give him a life.
My fault is, knowing cant give in but refuse to tell him off because I need company and nice treatments. Greedy bitch you.
His fault is...hmmm...too forceful? Don't know. Okay that means it was only my fault. Oh no.
NONO. Don't think anymore gal. Let it go.
I was miserable and msging ko telling her, I know he is not my right person. And I know he is also not my right person. But I cannot find my right person yet and Im so fucking lonely thats why I mess around with wrong ppl. Oh what excellent excuses. You think you are lonely, you are lonely. You think you are not, you are not. You fucking get a teddy bear and go home sleep, fucking bitch.
Now you doing same thing again. Making use of ppl. Isn't that what you fucking hate doing? Taking things for granted. You really do. You piece of useless shit.
Immature. Disappointing. I am the one who is a coward loser.
Ppl lost their heart. My arrow shoot too hard. like LowHaHa said. Too bad.

WHY DID YOU TRY SO HARD. ):

What shall I do next? Right after I decided to be alone and heartless again, I kinda still wanted to try and went JX's house to ask for tips. I tried. But just tried only. Knew I've been too cruel. There's no need to say sorry because truely, my dear, I don't deserve.

Well world, I'm sorry I'm not good. Someone please tell me, if I don't like the person, meaning I dont feel excited when being with the person, shall I continue to try to like him (like forcing and deceiving myself ): ), or shall I straight away tell him off? Like that like not very nice...but later ppl get hurt more if I indecisively hold on. How? Or maybe I regret then how? And how do I know whether he is my right person or not?

JL once said, when its time to be dependent, be dependent. When its time to be independent, be independent. But Im not rock or wood, once the person's presence become a habit, how do I let go? I will feel sad also but at the same time, I'm still looking for someone better. HOW HOW HOW??? )):

2008-10-12T15:15:00.001+08:00

Slept with my hair wet last night and now I'm sick again.
And I'm like flooding... ):
Tired...

2008-10-05T22:25:00.000+08:00

My predictions are right. I can't stop thinking.

But gal, who do you think you are? What the hell do you want?

So weird.

Restless.

Speechless.

I don't know what to do. I need to learn. But I don't know how to learn.

LOST.

2008-10-05T17:48:00.002+08:00

Same old shit. SAME OLD SHIT AGAIN.
I hate you.

So fucking lost.

Where is the end? Or I'm supposed to live this kind of contradicting, deceiving life? Like forever?
I'm also too tired. But I have to carry on.
Or should I?

2008-09-30T18:59:00.000+08:00

J, maybe you are right. The more passive I am, the easier people lose interest. And then the more I get disappointed. But I blame others for getting disappointed. My fault.
Stop expecting. STOP EXPECTING. Get busy. Get a life.
Right. Maybe we suit no one. We expect too much. You will say but I can't. I think I'm fastidious and troublesome. I can't even show anger.
I'm so lost, man.
Don't tell me not to do this. I can only waste what I'm left with. Let it break. Let it break into countless pieces so that everyone gets a share. Everyone's gonna be happy. Wonderful.
I need liquor.
Don't want to say anything anymore.
Pretence.
Feeling sad is nice. At least I know I'm still alive.
Well, what's so good about being alive, then?

2008-09-24T20:30:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's about time.
Some things I cannot say no. Some things I don't have choices anymore.
It's too late to apologize. Or maybe it's just a petty thing that you don't need to say anything.
My messy life.
What do I want?
Too many compromises. Forgotten stories. I have to let go. It's too late. It's too far away.
Those familiar places and smiles.
Who would want to know?
People who understand cannot help, they have their own problems.
Am I really too self-centred, or I've never pointed out to you so you all think I'm the only one who lives in my own world? You mean you all don't. You all don't have purposes. Oh how great.

Bullshit. Fucking disheartening.

In the end, I only say I don't want when I really don't want. And that is also my fault.
My fault for everything, happy? When you are late, you forget things and change things you all have fucking valid reasons and only thing I'd say is 'it's okay'. I'd always sound so convincingly alright. And you all think I'm fucking alright.
Betray my trust. Betray your words. Then why must I still be nice?
I'm late. I oversleep. I last minute cancel and change things. I lie. I hide. I run away and I AM HAPPY. LET ME BE HAPPY, CAN?

You understand a shit. I'm sad and I hate you.
)):

2008-09-14T21:24:00.003+08:00

Why do you do this again, my dear girl?

Happy now?

2008-09-12T23:25:00.002+08:00

My dear diary. We are doing some self-talk tonight. I'm always trying to be honest to you. Even if my sentences are obscure sometimes due to good-intention reasons, I have always tried to be honest here.

Gal, you need to be good. Be good and fair to yaself. Don't ever do this again, okay? (nope. you are like always losing control, man. nope. you need to be firm this time. NO this doesnt sound firm. Hais.) NOPE YOU DONT DO THIS TO YOURSELF AGAIN. YOU SWEAR. (How many times alrdy my dear? LOSER.) But for the moment, as long as I'm concerned, you TRY YOUR BEST to be good, okay? Have a life. Live your efficient and organized life again. Accept the reality, gal. It's time to grow up. Don't do stupid things, don't act on impulse. Think before you say. Do ya yoga everyday, exercise everyday. We all know anerexic better then bulimic, so we shall strive for the better, right? Don't ever go back to that. We've progressed and escaped so far, don't go back again okay? Do yoga and use ya essential oils when you are stressed. We can do it. You must have control. Its not your fault. Don't punish yourself when its not your fault. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ITS NOT YOUR FAULT ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. (Oh why I don't even want to cry. Because of my happy-go-lucky Saggi character? But Sammy. I'm equally miserable. I don't know when is everything going to end, to stablise. I've had enough of these tyranny treaments. OMGSH. I want to run away from home. But I have nowhere to go, no choice.) I always run out of choices. Fuck.

Gal, stop lamenting. You don't have a choice, you know and you accept this. Alright? It may not be a bad thing. Who knows? (Okay it's bad enough. I shall wear my black-cat earring tmr I don't care no more.) STOP. It's 11pm alrdy and you havent started doing ya yoga. You need to sleep lastest before 0030. Or else nothing can save you. And you need to SAVE UP. New laptop. Ipod touch. Paul&Joe. Tommy Hilfiger bag(s). L'occitane/TBS stuff...you need to save money, seriously. From tmr onwards, no more extra coffee. No more cab. Sleep early and do your yoga, you will be good enough to survive through your day. Have determination. Oh and you need to lose weight! Mod style. Use your whatever chilli(or seaweed?) burning shaping lotion. (sounds wrong. but whatever.)

I gtg now. Tired. Basically I need to save money and lose weight. Sounds so mundane. But oh well. Anyway, I will try to be positive.

Nites. (:

P.S. I miss that time, Uncle Jack wore his shades and called me 'my dear girl'. At flyers. I don't know why I felt so touched. Safe and comfortable feeling. From a man who looked obviously has been through alot of things in his life and yet, he has not lost himself to this messed-up, disappointing world or anything. I like this. Shall smile and talk to him more. Good uncle. I want to be like him. Heartless, calm and gentle ship captain. ((:

2008-09-10T20:15:00.002+08:00

Many things happened..

It's been long. Too long.

Long forgotten dreams.

People changed name. I defied my promise. I deserve this.

Cannot remember since when I have chosen to bury my own feelings. Like a robot. I have no idea what I favor. What I detest. Everything happens according to habits. Happily refuse to think about supposedly important matters. Happily think everything's gonna be alright. Things will work out themselves. Blind and deaf. Pretence.

Until I don't know what is not true. So numb.

Right. I tried. I'm tired. I'm not. Effort. Expectations. It doesn't matter a shit if I tried my best; because the outcomes tell me I'm useless. Just useless. Stop thinking too high about yourself, beetch. Shut up about your plans. No right to talk no more. I define failure. Joker.

I made my own decisions and I have to be responsible for whatever is in front of me now. But I have no regrets. Jane, if you are reading this, I'm being very honest to say that I still don't regret for what I have done. Maybe it's fated. Scorpios.

Think it's good that at least I'm doing something. I still believe that when things cannot get worse, they will get better. Though somehow to me it seems like things can always get even worse. Aww. No dead end. No turning point either? ):

I need to lose weight. I'm FAT. )):

2008-07-28T19:55:00.002+08:00

Ppl, I'm back.
Anyone still bothers to visit this site?
A lot things happened. Met a lot ppl. Thought through a lot things.
Well, I'm tired.
I will update when you see I update. (:

Wish me luck, please.
It's coming.
Gimme a new life.

2008-06-27T13:35:00.002+08:00

Don't be coward. Just go. It's your life.
People who don't matter, don't matter. Remember?
STOP THINKING SO MUCH AND GO NOW.

2008-06-26T20:28:00.003+08:00

No, you must trust yourself, that you have changed to the better, as compared to last time. You are not unpleasant-looking, you CAN talk rubbish when feel confident. Though not all girls don't like you and not all guys like you, you ARE becoming better. The inferiority is still there but as the quality of the trainers improve over time, you should have been upgrading you level of self-esteem. More people are interested in helping you and more people have become clueless about your originality. So don't give up, yes? We try this once more, try to break the record. Hang in there just a little while longer, be brave (as you always are). Go and face them when you recover, prove them wrong. Last but not least, don't always use other's fault to punish yourself. It's not worth it, yeah? They lose nothing but you gain what you don't want. Have a life (of your own) and have control over your act according to your true wish. Stop doing foolish things and shut up when you ought to. Grow up and help yourself. Big girls don't cry.

2008-06-25T23:40:00.003+08:00

Hey world! Long time no see!!
Hehe. (:
I love my new Nokia 6500S. Feel so good to get back to use the Nokia OS.
Many things happened. Good or bad, I don't want to judge.
Sometimes people are just ignorant, childish, stupid, insecure, jealous and conceited.
And too bad they are fugly as well.
Sorry, I'm too young, tactless and impulsive.

We shall see.

2008-06-08T02:13:00.003+08:00

I went for my usual money-burning session after receiving my pay. ((:

Bought essential oils and did French manicures. (:

However, maybe, being unable to see FH, or the lacking of energy, still made me moody.
Assis really agitated me. STOP MAKING FUN OF ME DUDE. I HATE THIS.

I'm going to change my industrial barbell tomorrow! Wheeee!!
Haha actually I'm more worried about my spending. Gg to be poor soon. Sooooo soooooon cannnnn.
Need to purchase MAC and Kiss Me stuff also. Vogue Mag? Aww.

Haiya. Earn money and spend finish. Earn again spend finish again. Spend finish faster than earn back in. What to do. And not to mention I eat like a pig after work. Like choc-chip cookies, brownies, yoghurt and random stuff. How not to get scolded. How to accept castings. Alamak sia.

I keep sniffing at my sweet orange and peppermint oils. I'm so awake. Its 2.30am now. Gg to eat my breakfast at 4am, bath and do everything and chiong down to Parkway! Whoooo! Hope this active lifestyle prevents me from accumulating fats!

P.S. I think I'd stop missing FH. Sorry, too long never see you, I have lost interest. I won't buy chocolate or Cheetos for Rusty to get your number. I shall respect you. If you want to give me you'd give me yourself. If we are fated to see each other we'd see each other. One day.

2008-06-06T01:17:00.002+08:00

I miss FH.

I'm so gg bribe Rusty.

Sometimes you just keep appearing in my mind. Only you, don't know why.

2008-06-02T10:49:00.002+08:00

BORING SIA.

One day off.

SO BORING.

ARGH.

But sorry world, I just don't want to talk.

Please don't talk anything to me.

Sorry.

I think I'm a workaholic.

Everyday, I'd just walk straight. Yes like Kai said, I walk straight.

Don't make me sit down and appreciate anything. I just can't.

And I'm really, really tired of relationships.

But I really, really miss F, I and A. Those days, those nights.

There will be no good ending though, I know, I know.

2008-05-25T00:58:00.002+08:00

Working my ass off.
HAHA. But I like! Fulfillment. I'm not useless. (:
At least I don't rot at home. (But I still eat and grow fat. ): All the Ben and Jerry and Brownies today. Arghhh.)
Have I really become more hot-tempered? Or all along I'm like that?
Haiya. Too tired to distinguish. Someone help me get it figured please. Thanks.
Off to study how to get rid of paying CPF. ((:

P.S. With no love, money keeps me sane. Whoots!

2008-05-24T00:45:00.002+08:00

Oh well. I just finished my mid-night supper. As usual. And no comments for myself for doing that. Hah.
Hmmm. What's wrong with the world? I mean, this is kinda, erm, SCARY, y'know?
Well sorry guys, I smile because I have no idea what's going on. And I have nothing else better to say or do. Alright? If you happen to bump (yes) into my smile, just don't take it too seriously okay?
Just don't make yourself look worse by acting childish.
Alright, shall end my post with this bumper sticker on my facebook profile.

Get it? Go and do something about yourself first lah. Either / Or. HAHAHA.

2008-05-22T00:26:00.002+08:00

Thanks dear. Although I just did stupid things again, I'm definitely not going to do them tomorrow.
I will try not to let myself get overwhelmed by those insignificant matters so easily.
Everything's gonna be alright. Will try to understand your calm and cool way of thinking. (:
Guess it'd be okay to live in one's own world cos somehow sometimes, everyone does.

Come to think about it, you have taught me quite a few important things in such short period of time. I was reflecting my life in the bathroom (as usual) yesterday and I kept thinking about you saying "If you think you are, you are." Through this you have taught me to believe that no matter how seemingly intangible the characteristic is related to you, if you think you can possess that certain quality, you'd acquire. Pretense isn't such a bad thing maybe? It's just a form of self-convincing, an essential process of achieving seemingly impossible goals.

I really feel grateful to know you. And maybe you don't know, you have just cheered me up and given me new motivation of living life in a more positive manner. I don't want to make it sound like I'm pleasing you, cos I know what you intend to tell me is ultimately, I should live for myself. The only one I should not disappoint is me myself. This is my life. I know, it's hard but I will try.

<3 loads and hugs. Have great fun and take care. (:

2008-05-20T22:45:00.004+08:00

I'm very angry now.
I'm always very angry these few days and I don't bother to use capital letter anymore.
What kind of family is this. The bitch holds back the money. The bastard beats me up.
Jane, thats why when I read your angry post I'd say its so cool. I can't do it your fluent way.
I'm too angry to say anything now. Neither can I DO anything.
When I get my pay, maybe I'm going to get more piercings. It's better to vent out the anger by hurting myself rather than hurting others right? I don't even feel like crying. I'm just too sad. The disappointment and disgruntle-ment just build up and accumulate. Day by day. And nothing will ever be the same.
Can you try to understand, I wasn't this inferior and weird at first?
Through a Glass, Darkly. Broken Mirror Image.

I realize I didn't use the F-word in this post. It is not strong enough to express my feelings anymore.

2008-05-20T17:25:00.002+08:00

Walao scary boss. One day off also so fierce. Chey.
Alright at least I'm not so unimportant.
I just skipped for 3000 times and I've decided on trying not to give up on myself so easily.
Trying. Alright. Will find a way. Need new motivation.
I shall not become a fat ass.
Off to yoga. (:

P.S. Have a nice and safe journey Joel! ((:

P.P.S. I really feel like I cannot like anyone anymore. I cannot give in anymore. Is everyone in the world (me included) expecting too much? What's wrong with expectations and disappointments? I really don't understand. Jinghan, sorry. Was too tired (mentally) to answer you. Have too many things untold to you. :/ You say no one really cares if you are miserable so you may as well just be happy. But how can I be happy when others are not satisfied. As in that's what makes me miserable in the first place. Hais.

2008-05-20T00:28:00.002+08:00

FUCK LAH.
WTH IS WRONG WITH ME.
One whole packet of Cheetos and large Coke at 12 am.
What can be worse man.

I think I'm just not very happy with my life.
Like never.
FUCK. (If you know why I keep saying this.)

):

I was at the Flyer. Looking into the mirror thinking, "alright, I don't wanna be this miserable. I'm just fat. And I just want to be fat and happy. It's okay. Everything's gg to be okay."

But NO. OH NO IM SO BLOODY MISERABLE NOW.
I HATE MYSELF. AS ALWAYS ASALWAYS.

IF YOU KNOW WHY YOU FUCKING TACTLESS RETARD.

When I keep silent and look away. Please. Something is wrong and BLOODY ASSHOLE YOU SHOULD JUST SHUT UP.
I HATE YOU. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU AND YOU. EVERYONE OF YOU WHO SAID THAT.

I'm NOT cute, PLEASE. Neither am I nice.
I'm just useless, fat and fucking disappointing. FINE?

2008-05-19T03:22:00.003+08:00

Tired.
I drank strawberry milkshake and milo at 12am. Shit.
I don't know when I'm going to sleep tonight.

Anyway, I love all Scorpios and appreciative male Virgos.
I'm willing to do anything for them within the best of my ability. (:
And I love the Flyer loads too. ((:

2008-05-17T00:03:00.003+08:00

With my only hope of life showing no approaching sign of emerging appearance, I'm sort of incorrigibly screwed again.
In the middle of nowhere.
Anyway I'm not so worried. Hmm.

But my temper has become very bad recently. I'm just so restless and impatient. Anything I'd just show my attitude. I don't bother giving way to fat asses anymore. I'd just stubbornly bump my way through if they happen to miss my only "excuse me". And when I'm trying my best to pretend to be the nicest person on earth all of a sudden if you stop me from pretending, I'd just get so fucking angry. Omgsh I can't be bothered about my image anymore.

This unappreciative, disappointing world. Or is it just me.
NO its not me.
Stop blaming me ITS NOT MY FAULT.
NOTMYFAULTNOTMYFAULT.
GOAWAYGETOUTOFMYLIFE.

2008-05-15T03:38:00.002+08:00

Why do you try so hard.
Why do you think so much.
Its 3.39am now. With my hair improperly dried. Sleepless night and messed up diet. I'm seriously, seriously screwing up my life again.
Have been listening to some Twins song for one day.
Wrong. Wrong person.
Why I just prefer the wrongs.
All my fault. Alright.

Sorry Jane, I said I hate promise-breakers. However I feel like I'm becoming one. )):
I don't like this. One must keep up to his/her words to be respected and trusted.
Idiot, stop over-estimating yourself then.

2008-05-13T19:45:00.002+08:00

It's been long. Nearly one month since my last post.

Sometimes I cannot express my feelings. I don't like the idea of routinely posting something just for people to see. I post because I want to write.

Okay. Can feel my English deteriorating. ):

Maybe too many things have happened recently. And I'm too tired to think them through and clear. What has happened has happened. Neither regret nor contemplation could change anything.

And I really don't like myself being so vulnerable to people who showed slight care to me. Don't be so nice to me k. I can't take it and I can't stand strong then. ):

2008-04-19T11:49:00.000+08:00

2008-04-13T13:22:00.003+08:00

I made my own decision. Maybe I was impulsive, but I had no choice.
Can the world just allow me to say,

It is not, not my fault. ?

Too many words unsaid. Too many reasons unjustified. Let it flow. Let it go. I lost my soul.

I don't know what to do.

And I hate saying I don't know.

No.

2008-03-30T18:45:00.002+08:00

Stop letting me down, idiot.
I HATE promise-breakers.
If you can't do it, don't promise. Don't make it sound like it is going to happen like real.
Because it doesn't sound nice anymore, when I don't trust what you say.
You can cheat, yes, I say you CAN cheat me. Though most of the time, I'd know what's true and believable.
But that makes me feel better. Because you have intended to prevent me from getting disappointed.
The feeling of disappointment sucks huge time, you know.
):

2008-03-25T14:08:00.000+08:00

I didn't hear my alarm again. Shit.
I didn't go school again.
):
So I rotted at home again and waited for that to arrive. At any time. So that I can end this bloody shitty nightmare SOON. Once and for all.

Like I can finally understand how he feels.

Talking with ST the very discerning made me realize, in the end, that I don't really don't like this place. It would be nice to stay. It is clean, safe and developed. Though a bit too warm sometimes, but that prevents fats from accumulating without you noticing it. (:

When I was in Shanghai, I equally hated my life, I remembered.
Now I know the problem is her. I was never happy when she is around. I feel like a loser ALL THE TIME. I cannot play the piano well. I cannot play the bassoon well. I cannot study well. I cannot mix with potentially-powerful-people well. WTF I just hate sucking up. But I lived and am still living my life pleasing her. So that there'd be peace in the house. IFUCKINGHATETHIS.

Now I hardly talk to her, because I don't want to become like her. Who can I turn to? When you have a home but you cannot go. Because you know there is something you detest so badly but cannot be avoided. So I go home at later and later time. So I cannot get up the second morning. Vicious circle. Screwing up my own life.

My dear savior please come quick before I get mad and dumped.

I feel disgusted.

2008-03-23T11:53:00.002+08:00

I don't know.
I think I felt disgusted.
No. Don't assume you know what I'm talking about.
And I'm still waiting. Praying and waiting.
Actually, in fact, I don't really mind paying for it first. Even if in the end, I will have to withdraw and I cannot take back the money, I'm fine. Because I PAY to SOLVE the problem. And problems can be solved by money are small problems. (:

Aww. I think I'm real bad.

But that is just me.

2008-03-16T18:58:00.001+08:00

Damn.

):

2008-03-15T11:07:00.001+08:00

Don't keep disappointing me.

You know what it is.

2008-03-14T11:55:00.002+08:00

What is intolerable.

I'm fine with back-stabbing, selfish-ness, cruelty, greediness, etc. Because those are, some of the human nature.

Or so I think.

But I HATE last-minute workers and promise breakers.

2008-03-09T17:48:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday Veronica KoKo! (:

March is here.
And I don't know what to say.
I'm going that place again tomorrow. If it doesn't rain.

But I hate tactless people.
And you just don't know. Helping me in the wrong way. Don't try.

2008-02-29T22:56:00.002+08:00

I said I will live a happier life than you.
So I will not sleep in so late anymore.
No more.
The JE circle.
What do I do.

*6+6=12 its fated. My love is prettier than yours.

2008-02-24T18:09:00.002+08:00

VERY UNDESIRABLE. My current state of life.
Crap.
Come, March, quick. Let's live a fast-forwarded life. Please.

2008-02-23T09:50:00.003+08:00

Okay here's an update. For days.
Such a tiring week. For the second time of the YEAR, I went to school on a Friday.
Haha.

Don't have much to say.

Off to read Milan Kundera.

2008-02-17T18:44:00.002+08:00

Another Sunday.
March is approaching. (:
So I will leave it like that.
I don't care so much, no more.
Tomorrow is exciting! WOW. YEAH. ((:
Vladimir Nabokov is absofuckinglutely awesome!

Whatever. You deserve it.

2008-02-16T18:27:00.002+08:00

Humph. So she saw my tattoo.
WTF.
So careless of me. ):

and I'm faking it and you just don't know.

2008-02-15T10:43:00.002+08:00

I was faking it when I nicely said goodbye, enjoy shopping then to you.
BITCH.
I hate it when you show off. I know. You always want to be better than me, at everything.
I hate it when you compare, with no point, comparing anything you'd think of. FUCK.
Your mum, she's a tragedy. Men hate it the most when their wives stop working, cut their hair and grow fat.
And your useless, whatever boyfriend, not tall, not good-looking, you two are just, well, useless.
We will see who's going to live a happier life.
So I will NOT tell you where does my T-shirt come from. For once, no, not once, for once more you are NOT going to get it. To get what I have. HELL NO.

I saw you changed your profile picture. I wanted to click and look but I didn't. I don't want to be cheap. I still want you. Real bad. Oops.

Gomenasai.

2008-01-26T14:02:00.000+08:00

Finally it's going to be February.
And, hell, what am I doing with my life?
Is that progress, or a mistake?
I don't know. And I don't dare to ask.
I'm trying. Not to give up.
T.M LOVES J.W (:

I'm mad. madly brave/bravely mad. ohh.

2008-01-23T22:38:00.000+08:00

I saw grey as green.
One as three.
How.

I see it coming. Do you?

2008-01-19T15:57:00.000+08:00

I know I'm a little too positive.
But well. I believe that it is going to happen.
I love you. (:

The first tiring rottening week is OVERRR.

2008-01-11T22:20:00.000+08:00

I've been going to school for sheer rotting.
I don't study.
I go to class, laugh without much purpose and waste time.
I come home, bath, check emails, stone, sleep.
Someone said I look happy.
Alright, I look happy everyday now.
Well.

*It's about one week. I'm missing you everyday. I'm alive because of these memories.
I can't get over it. I'm still waiting and I don't know what is going to happen.
But please, dear, don't make me give up, yes?

I'm waiting for you and you don't know.

2008-01-07T21:30:00.000+08:00

WZQ. ZYX. I'm sorry. I know I was fucking unglam.

I'm so sorry.

But. You know. If not because I want to meet you one last time. I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't but I did it because of you. Okay I was lousy. I didn't even have dinner. I fucking regret having my "poison" that day alright.

Whatever. It's too late now, to say anything.

I don't know what to do.

And it'll never be the same.

And it' ll never be the same.

2007-11-07T03:39:00.000+08:00

-
I can't sleep.
I'm very excited. I'm leaving at 10a.m. later, TODAY!
Wheeee!

Note: APD stands for Avoidant Personality Disorder

2007-11-05T14:24:00.000+08:00

-
Alright. So I'm done with this year's last day of embarrassment with the outside world, finally. -By giving a heck-care-ly-screwed PW presentation.
Yeah, I totally had no confidence when looking so unglam and whatever.

I know this person didn't mean it, this word this person used. Starts with c, ends with n. But it penetratingly struck me, nevertheless. I mean, how difficult it is to use the word that starts with s, and ends with i? This little difference which would make me feel loads better, you didn't bother to make. You'd say there's no difference. You'd say I think too much. YES I THINK TOO MUCH I HAVE APD I AM DIFFERENT. HAPPY?

You know, I know this thing is there. Starts with d, ends with n. Not a short word. Neither a light word. It is there and everywhere and in your mind subconsciously. Maybe on a more subtle level that's why. Or maybe not, just that you have too good family upbringing. I don't want to type this word out because the sight of it equally depresses me. I am an avoidant. FYI.

Well world, I have become more extreme, violent and separated through year 2007.

And bye tortures.

-

2007-11-01T20:55:00.000+08:00

Oh please, what is this?

I don't hate my PW group, I don't really hate PW. But I can't stand seeing PEOPLE. And now it's PW causing that to happen. Ganasai.!

World, please, gimme peace please. Let me see no people before I leave.

Why is it this difficult.

Do you know, when you leave your house, at any time, you will see people?

I can't stand the sight of them, men and women, cars and buses, coffeeshops (WITH THE FUCKING FANS!) and crossroads. You board on MRT, you see people directly opposite of you EVERYWHERE. ANY PART OF THE TRAIN. JESUS, THIS IS INTOLERABLY DISTURBING.

I don't care. I must get 6,000. I must.

Or you won't see me anymore. Yes, I mean anymore.

2007-10-26T20:26:00.000+08:00

Just saw someone's annoying nickname. With ostentatious and wrong Chinese. He doesn't even know what he is typing. *gives sideways look*

Well, I guess you have learned your lesson today. Don't hope, don't, ever, expect others to be available for your problems. They have their own problems. I have mine, too. Loads of them, man. But I don't believe in talking them out. That's not a solution because we ARE individuals. (Please, teamwork and rubbish, f*ck off.) And chances are, you would never meet even one person that can fully understand you. If you do, you are lucky. But this person will too has his/her own flaws and problems. And you too will part.

That's why my hand phone was out of battery. Because I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN. I DON'T WANT TO CARE. And I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND.

I'm busy. Yeah.

***
Yesterday, you were there. It was the first time I saw you. And it was the last time. You should have left this sad place I guess. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to be good to you. I didn't know you are so scared of the lift. I wanted to give you food. You were so tame, so soft, so nice to touch. Even when you struggled and bit and you can't hurt me bad enough. I'm sad I love you so much. Come back will you?

Well, I hate this woman VERY much. But I do LOVE her very much as well, sometimes.
Don't be so good to me. I don't deserve.

2007-10-23T07:55:00.001+08:00

Seriously, seriously, gimme my holiday assignments and my result slip, and let me go home, okay?

I don't need your forgiveness, neither your understanding. I don't want to explain anything, anymore. You think you know, with your own nonsensical self-assuming thinking, but it's you; not me, so it's not my business to make you think about me the way you think I'm not.
Everyday, everything that has happened is just to push me deeper down into the abyss that is beyond redemption.
Screwing up my life.
Sometimes, I'm just too tired to pretend.

Only the two "he"s used the correct word. -"Scared." Does that imply now the guys in the world have become more discerning and sensible?
Yes, I was scared. I was not nervous.

I'm very scared and I intend on getting still more scared before this whole silly world around me go to pieces.
Will you be my hero?

2007-10-20T18:24:00.001+08:00

So I have succeeded in making you hate me.
Yes, I want you to hate me. So that I don't occur to you as another insignificant, mediocre nice friend.